Thursday, January 18, 2007

Continuing My Welcome Post

Hello again anyone who may pass this way.

Yesterday I started my first Blog and entered my first post. I actually received a comment! Thanks Ray.

The thrust of the post was a commentary on what I found in the Blogs I reviewed before creating mine and the idea that the content focus was very similar and focused a lot on excellin in business and thoughts from common reference points who write books pontificating "the right way".

Today I just want to offer a different take on things. Sure it is great to know you will not have to worry about living costs when you are old and retired. And to get there following the path I descibed yesterday will I am sure work well for you. But ask yourself are you happy stressing over your "plan" to get to a million by 30 every day? Or, working those 20 hour days to impress those that hold the cheese that will you hope get you to your goal?

I started on that path when I was younger. Although, I choose not to complete the education levels most everyone else in my industry died for. I started college and found it boring, so went and started a company for fun not money. I excelled in the software industry and made a lot of money, but had only work related friends and a bad life style.

The my bipolar disorder kicked into over drive and life changed forever. Want to know how fast you can loose every dime you have? Took me less than 3 days during a manic episode. Then I started to loose control of myself and became unreliable and uncontrolable. Lost some jobs, found new ones, made a lot more money lost it all, and the cycle went on.

I married not knowing I was bipolar during a calm period. But it was not long before it all started again. My wife was blown away. We had serious problems, lost a child at birth, and had a second child who required open heart the day he was born. I was not able to support her through any of this because my defense mechanism was mania and you can't imagine what it is like when you are in that state. I lost the trust of everyone through this. But my wife stayed. We continued to live with my disorder (not yet diagnosed) and the landing and loosing jobs, building savings just for me to spend 20,000 in a morning. We could not buy a house, open accounts, stat 401Ks, all the things everyone we knew were doing.

Finally, we went to Canada for a new job and I was finally diagnosed. With medication thingYou s became better, but still not perfect. I still had manic episodes that destroyed our financial base and our relationship. We had a second son and 2 years ago I had the worst episode I ever had. 1.5 year manic episode. Just to give you an example of the world when you are truely manic. First, you are so euphoric that you think you are God. You create great works and work non-stop for days without fatigue. Then you change, one wrong word from someone and you fly into a rage that is dangerous to anyone around you. You then start to change, believe you are someone you are not, do things that are life threating and spend money, sell your things just to be able to by the rush it gives you. One night I was borderline pyschotic and found my family huddled in a room crying. I just yelled and left for a week.

Now, I have been enjoying a long stable period. And this is what I have decided. What ever money I make I spend now, with my family. We go places and stay at the best hotels, buy what ever my boys, and keep from pushing them into the same path that most other parents are to ensure they succeed in the terms our culture has now set out.

happiness is going to a movie with my family. Waking on a Sunday going to church then just chilling at home. Going to Disneyland althoug we just went a few months ago. Buying a gift just because. I don't care what life will be like for me when I am 60, 70 or 80. If I have to eat cat food so be it. Right now I am making money, stable, and doing things with my boys before they are too old to want to. I have great days with them and my wife and the more places we can go the more shows we can see the more days at the beach we can get the more snow falls we can play in together the happier I am. This is happiness for me. I will reschedule clients, delay projects and say no to my boss just to do something with my family or to be with my sons. I don't need a million dollars. As long as I can make enough to play with my family for the next few years, or until my next episode I will die a happy man. And hope I showed my sons that to be a happy person you do not have to be part of the standard mold set out for others.

Sorry for the long rambling. I just needed to set the stage for my opinion and knowing my life was important for that.

hope someone reads this and lets me know what happiness is to them.

--jim

1 comment:

Ray said...

This is an amazing story, Jim. Every person's journey is different. I wish I could offer a good definition of happiness here, but I'm still trying to figure that out. Keep posting!